Gossip By Association

I was once an accessory to a crime. Not a break-the-law kind of crime, more of a crime of decency and fair play. And I will do everything in my power to never let it happen again.

Let me reconstruct the crime scene for you.

Years ago at one of our kids' sporting events, I sat next to some of the other parents as we watched our boys becoming men on the athletic field. Directly to my left was the dad of one of my son's teammates. He was one of those very active dads, always there to cheer on his kids in whatever sport they were currently playing. On the surface, he looked like super dad. He was also a humongous gossip.

As the game dragged on -- as little kids games sometimes do -- the small talk among the parents eventually started to dwindle. To a gossip, however, this is prime time to take the stage. The warmup act is over, now it's time for the real dirt.

This particular gossip session started with "Did you know that she..." and proceeded to outline some particularly quirky habits of one of the other parents. Granted, the subject of the gossip is an interesting character, and I had wondered more than once about some of her behavior. I should mention that the subject of the gossip was actually helping coach the kids, so she was nearby but well out of earshot.

The gossipping dad went on and on, laughing about the quirky mom and telling second-hand stories about her antics. Although there were several parents listening, I was the one sitting right next to the gossip. So I smiled politely and even laughed a little at a few of the more bizarre stories. I also silently reminded myself to never tell this man anything personal about me, my wife, or my family.

It is important to note that I didn't say much of anything. In fact, I tried my best to watch the game and NOT say anything because it was gossip plain and simple and I really didn't want to be associated with it. I certainly didn't want to fuel any more of it by actively contributing to the conversation.

His phone rings. It's his wife who apparently couldn't make it to the game that day, but wanted to check on how things were going. And then THIS happened:

"Mark and I were just sitting here talking about (quirky mom lady). Did you know that she..." and then he started an instant replay of the gossip we had just received live and in person.

WHAT????? "MARK AND I"???? When, exactly did this turn into a WE thing? I was just sitting there!!!! I wasn't even participating!!!! Now all of the sudden I'm The Sundance Kid to his Butch Cassidy?

My head started to spin. I felt sick to my stomach. I honestly think I looked around for a blunt object to strike him with. It's hard to remember, I was in a bit of a daze. I get that way when I feel violated.

I spent hours trying to make sense of it. Why would he do that? I wasn't gossipping. I hadn't said any of those things. In my quest for answers, I put him on trial in my head, convicted him, and sentenced him to an imaginary life sentence of duct tape over his mouth. And I felt so righteous about it all.

Until it dawned on me that I was guilty, too. Maybe even more guilty than he was. I was guilty of "gossip by association."

You see, I heard what he was saying and identified it immediately as gossip, but I didn't do a darn thing about it. And my polite smiles and laughs DID fuel the fire because they gave approval to what he was doing. I pretended like my relative aloofness kept me out of his gossip bubble. I failed to realize how much my close proximity made me an accessory regardless of my level of participation. And being the one sitting right next to him? Well, apparently that made me his partner in crime.

Life teaches lessons in the most unexpected ways sometimes.

Gossip is a second-hand story told by a first-class bonehead.

Gossip is like an addiction. Gossips do it without even thinking about it. It comes naturally to them. It gives them temporary pleasure. It makes them feel important. And they desperately need to feel validated, so they look for any tiny bit of approval they can get. A nod, a smile, an agreement. If you jump in and join the gossip, they almost explode with joy because you've made them feel RIGHT.

I've only figured out three ways to stop gossip, or at least distance myself so I'm not a gossip by association.

1. Step away from the gossip. I mean physically remove yourself from the scene as quickly as possible. If you have to, look at your watch and say "Oooh, I've gotta thing with a person at a place somewhere else that I need to go to right now." Then leave quickly, don't look back, and find somewhere else -- anywhere else -- to go.
   
2. Change the subject. This can work, but, sadly, it's a temporary fix. Gossip is a hard habit to break. If you're not great at changing the subject, here are some suggestions:
   
   "Look, your son is up to bat!" This one only works during baseball games.
   
   "Hey, is your son excited about summer/other sports/school/girls/video games/upcoming vacation/camp/(insert any other interest here)? People will always talk about their kids. Always.
   
   "Did you see the finale of American Idol?" Any TV show or major current event usually holds enough power to shift the conversation. But stay away from questions like "Did you hear about Kim Kardashian?" Because celebrity gossip is still gossip.
   
3. Call 'em out. My favorite line to use? "That sounds like gossip to me."
   
   Many people will immediately stop gossipping when you say this because nobody likes to be called a gossip. These people are decent people who just temporarily got sucked into the vortex of evil. 

But what about the true gossip addicts that just won't stop? They're easily identified because they defend themselves by saying things like "Uh-huh! I heard it from his sister's uncle's best friend's golfing buddy who told him last year when they ran into him on that cruise ship in Mexico." They don't even realize how ridiculous it sounds. If this is the kind of person you're dealing with, I'd go with option #1 above ASAP. And maybe the blunt object.

By the way, THIS TOTALLY APPLIES TO WORK, TOO. Gossip is one of the most destructive forces on earth and it can destroy a company from the inside out in a very short amount of time. It sends negative ripple effects that actually intensify as they spread. In case you're wondering, that's, um, really, really bad.

Here's the executive brief of this whole article: Gossip is bad. If you stand by and let it happen, you are just as guilty of the crime as the person telling the story. And if you think you're not, reload this page and read it again.

How Leadership Is Like an Alarm Clock

I get up most days at 5am.

Ok, between 5 and 5:30.

Ok, sometimes 6.

But most days, 5.

Except for superhumans and my grandfather, most people do not have the natural ability to wake themselves up before sunrise. That's why God invented the alarm clock.

Ahhh, the alarm clock, the amazing wonder of technology that tells us what time it is in the middle of the night and casts its ever-present red, blue, or green glow over us while we sleep. It helps us get our kids to school on time and prevents us from missing those all-important morning staff meetings. It is our guardian, our protector, our advocate. It's a tiny timekeeping life coach, holding us accountable to least one commitment every single day -- getting out of bed at whatever time we promised ourselves we would.

Leadership is like an alarm clock. Part of the role of a leader is to be a guardian, protector, and advocate. Another part of leadership's role is to coach, develop, and inspire those they lead. And perhaps the least favorite aspect -- by all sides -- of leadership is holding people accountable.

When you're a leader, people often feel the same way about you as they do about their alarm clock. Your mission is to get people moving, but most people don't really want to and a few actually want to throw you out the window.

Nobody likes to be held accountable, but most people need it -- even crave it -- from their leaders. Sadly, most bosses don't even try to do it. Notice I say "bosses" and not "leaders" here. Bosses micromanage. Leaders hold people accountable. Big difference.

Holding people accountable is trusting in a contract and checking to make sure the contract was fulfilled. Micromanaging is hovering over people at every detail and then telling them how to do it "the right way."

Imagine sitting up in your bed and reaching to shut off the alarm clock, only it won't shut off. "Ok, ok, I'm getting up," you say. So you get out of your bed, pick up the alarm clock and search for the off switch, only you can't find one. The alarm just keeps beeping and beeping and beeping and...you get the picture. THAT'S micromanaging. THAT clock deserves a hammer.

The difference between holding people accountable and micromanaging is exactly the same as the difference between an alarm you can shut off and one that never stops its annoying beeping. Both alarm clocks might startle you at first and you might be tempted to throw both of them out of the window, especially if you weren't really ready to get up.

Leadership, however, makes a contract with you (sets the wakeup time), monitors the progress of that contract every so often (checks the time), and goes about its other duties until the contract is complete (waits for the alarm to go off), then creates a new contract with you.

There's a lesson for both sides here:

Leaders: make agreements with your people, then trust them to get the work done. Check with them at your agreed-upon times. And, by all means, if they're not delivering you should hold them accountable and even enforce some consequences if need be. The rest of the time, keep your beeping to yourself.

Followers: when you make an agreement with your leader, HONOR THAT AGREEMENT. Meet your deadlines. Deliver the quality you promised (i.e., that quality that's expected). And if you can't, communicate that early and often. Renegotiate the agreement if you have to. If you don't want to be micromanaged, DON'T REQUIRE IT by being mediocre.

What To Do When You Run Into A Wall

A special note: Today's article is a little bit longer, and a bit of a different format than normal. I hope you take the extra minute to read it (really, that's all it takes), and more importantly, I hope it inspires you the next time you encounter a wall in your life. It was extra fun to write.

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A boy from a small, poverty-stricken village realized one day that there had to be more to life than just barely getting by trying to make a living by farming the dusty, dry land with only a small plow and his stubborn donkey. When he consulted the elders of his tribe, much to his surprise they issued a challenge to him: "Go to the city. There you will find opportunity and abundance of every kind." 

The young man had heard stories of a grand city not that far away where one could create any kind of life he desired, but he thought the stories were fantasies passed down from parents to children to distract them from their poor circumstances. However, the elders assured him there truly was such a place, but few from their tribe had enough desire, passion, or determination to follow the path all the way to the city.

"I have the desire for more abundance in my life, I am passionate about finding meaningful work, and there is nobody more determined to follow their dreams than I am," he assured the elders.

"The only way to know for sure is to set out on the journey for yourself," said the chief of the elders. 

So the boy packed enough food and water for the trip. Since he had no idea what to expect when he arrived in the city, he also packed the small assortment of tools that had been given to him by his late father. He was particularly proud of his tools. They were the only gift his father had left him when he died because they were all his father had owned. His father had been the most skilled craftsman in the entire tribe and had created the best tools in the village. The boy had learned how to use the tools well, and had even improved some of them with his own ingenuity and craftsmanship.

Once he was packed, he saddled his burro and set out in the direction the elders had indicated. The donkey wasn't too thrilled to wear a saddle or carry a rider, but even he knew there had to be more to life than farming the rocky soil every day.

The road stretched on and on through the barren land. It was hot. It was dusty. It was boring. But it was easy traveling nonetheless. The young man thought to himself, "This is much easier than I imagined. I wonder why others have tried to reach the city and failed?"

Although the journey was not difficult, the trip grew long and the young man became weary. He was grateful his donkey kept walking at a steady pace, but soon the donkey began to tire as well.

Eventually, both the young man and the donkey were exhausted. The food and water were nearly gone and the young man began to realize that to survive he might have to return to his village. About that same time, a shimmer of light caught the boy's eye. The city! It was finally within sight. And it was more amazing and more beautiful than the boy had even dreamed, even from a distance. With renewed energy, the boy and the donkey resumed their forward progress.

As they drew closer to the city, they encountered a solid wall encircling the entire city. It was made of stone, well over 20 feet high, and there were no gates or windows as far as the boy could see. And then the boy noticed something as unexpected as the wall itself.

An old man, older than even the chief elder of the young man's village, was seated cross-legged on a colorful pillow underneath an equally colorful umbrella...at the exact point where the path seemed to disappear into the wall of the city. He was smiling, humming to himself, and laughing quietly every so often. 

The young man halted the donkey in front of the old man and his colorful umbrella. Neither the old man nor the young man spoke. In fact, the young man dismissed the old man at first, thinking he was probably a lunatic that was either forced out of the city, or perhaps had chosen to live outside the wall for his own lunatic reasons. The young man began looking all over the wall for an opening, but couldn't see one.

The boy sat on the burro for several minutes, looking right, then left, then up at the top of the wall. He turned to the right and rode away from the old man for an hour, but found no opening. So he turned back and rode past the man for another hour in the opposite direction. Still no opening. Finally, he returned to where the man was sitting, still smiling, humming to himself, and laughing every so often. This was where the path ended, the boy thought, so the answer must be here.

The boy sat in the saddle, drank the last few drops of his water, and muttered to himself "I've traveled so far and endured so much dust, heat, and boredom on my journey. I can't believe I am this close and cannot reach the beautiful city on the other side of this stupid wall!"

"Did you find the door?"

The words startled the young man because he had forgotten the crazy old man was still sitting there on his colorful pillow under his colorful umbrella.

"I rode an hour in both directions. I found no door, no window, and no gate. I couldn't even find a single crack or hole in the wall." The boy was polite to the old man, but clearly frustrated by his situation and still searching the wall for an opening or a way to climb over. He found neither.

"Are you ill?" asked the old man.

The boy was confused, but answered the question. "I am the strongest, most able-bodied young man in my whole village. I've never been sick, not even for a single day."

"Have you any tools?" asked the old man.

The young man resumed looking right, left and up at the top of the wall as he responded half-heartedly, "Yes, I have the best tools in our whole village. My father gave them to me. I've even crafted some fine tools myself." 

The old man continued his bizarre conversation. "Then you have two choices."

"Tell me, old man, what are my choices?"

"Your first choice, which almost everyone like yourself makes when they arrive at this very spot in front of this very wall, is to turn around and ride back to your village. Your old life awaits you there, where you will continue living the life of poverty that you are familiar with until you die, as your father did before you and your grandfather did before him. Your old friends will welcome you back and ask you many questions about your journey, for most of them will never travel as far as you have today."

"That choice holds absolutely no attraction for me!" said the young man, his tone a mix of defiance and fear.

"There is an alternative. But I'll warn you, it's not the choice most are willing to make, not because of the difficulty, but because of the responsibility required once the decision is made." 

The boy thought the old man was starting to sound a bit too mystical, so he inserted his next question impatiently before the old man could continue. "What is the second choice?", he asked.

The old man grinned and replied in an even more mystical tone, "Start where you are. Do what you can. Use what you've got."

"Old man, I'm tired, I'm hungry, and I'm in no mood for riddles," the young man said as he slumped even more in his saddle. The donkey snorted in agreement.

"Then let me put it in a way even a weary young traveler will understand: This is a special city, and entrance is reserved for only the most worthy, not the most weary. You have the tools. You have the ability. You have the determination. You have everything you need to be successful in your quest. But to reach the place you so desire, you must first get off your ass and make your own doorway."

The old man smiled, started humming to himself again, and laughed quietly every so often. As the young man climbed out of his saddle, he smiled, too, because he knew that he would soon enter the city.

Live NOW!

Jim Sullivan wrote a powerful post today on the Built To Lead blog. The title of the post was A Proper Perspective. It contained a paragraph that I think I've read almost 50 times now. I just keep reading it over and over. 


"Live NOW. Don’t waste a minute. Life is fragile and all-too brief, and so embrace and celebrate it. How fortunate to be conscious! What a rare thing consciousness is, and here I am, a winner in the DNA lottery. Not only that, but I was born into THIS great country at THIS particular time to THESE terrific parents with all these TALENTS and GIFTS. Who the hell am I not to use them to their fullest? Life may be difficult sometimes, and the days are long, but the years are short. Live high. Live mighty. Live righteously."

Like I said in the comment box after Jim's post, I'd add a comment but anything I could say would only detract from this powerful message. Except maybe to say do what he says.

Did You Do What You Got Paid To Do This Week?

Here's a simple question:

Did you do what you got paid to do this week?

Before you answer that, you need to recognize just what you get paid for.

You get paid to be the best (insert your title/role here) that you can be. And you're paid to get better at it.

That means you actually (insert your main responsibility here) to the best of your ability and/or you learned something that will make you a notch or two higher on the kick-butt-o-meter tomorrow.

• If you're a leader, did you lead this week? Did get better at it?
• If you're a manager, did you manage well this week? Did you get better at it?
• If you're a barista, did you rock the beans this week? Did you get better at it?
• If you're a customer service rep, did you truly help your customers this week? Did you get better at it?
• If you're a salesperson, did you truly help your customers this week? Ha, trick question. 'Cause you know selling should be all about helping customers, right, not just about selling stuff?
• If you're an analyst, did you dig as deep as you needed to this week? Did you get better at it?
• If you're a dog groomer, did you make every dog shine this week? Did you get better at it?
• If you're an elected official, did you serve your constituants well this week? Did you get better at it?

This isn't about perfection. It's about focus, excellence, and improvement. Most businesses -- and business professionals -- are mediocre at best. They don't bring their best to work, and they rarely take the opportunity to improve, even when the opportunity is right in front of them, and it's gift-wrapped, and it's free for the taking. Most people look at these gifts and say, "Meh" (which is a half-word, half grunt that means "I don't really care about my job, my customers, or the people/place I work for).

It really doesn't matter if you're full-time, part-time, or the boss of the whole building. Your job is to do the best you can and get better at it. Every day. Every chance you get.

THAT'S what you get paid for.

If You Can't Say Something Nice...

Your grandmother said it. So did your momma. If you have kids, you've probably said it, too.

"If you can't say something nice -- say it with me -- don't say anything at all."

Contrary to popular belief, Mamaw wasn't trying to teach you a valuable life lesson. She was just tired of hearing you and your sister bicker with each other. But the programming stuck and we all adopted the phrase as a way of staying out of trouble. And it worked. Keep your mouth shut and it's hard to make anybody mad.

Fast forward a couple of decades. You're a grown-up (or at least an adult) and you have to get up and go to work every day. Does the magic phrase still work?

Not really.

Because work isn't about keeping your mouth shut so you don't get in trouble. It's about creating, contributing to, and building something that puts money in the business so the business can thrive and grow and put money in your pocket. To do that, you don't just create, contribute to, and build a product. You also create, contribute to, and build a culture -- hopefully a culture that's full of positivity, energy, and a passion for excellence.

That kind of culture requires a certain kind of attitude. One that's optimistic. One that's encouraging. One that's NOT NEGATIVE.

If you come to work in a snarly mood and you unload all of your negative thoughts and feelings on your co-workers, do you negatively affect them? Sure, that's pretty obvious.

But what if you come to work in a snarly mood and choose to keep your mouth shut? Do you negatively affect your co-workers? YES, YES YOU DO. When you're in a foul mood, it finds a way to ooze out of you, even when you don't say anything. Oh, you might think you're a pretty good actor, but people always know when things just ain't right. And it likely affects how well you perform your work overall, even if you don't interact with other people on those days.

Here's another way to look at it:

When you're grilling steak, even if you close the lid your neighbors can still smell the cow cookin'. 

I don't mind telling you, I'm rather proud of that metaphor.

What to do when negativity strikes:

It happens to everybody, even the "happy people." We all have bad days. We all experience negativity. It's natural. So what do you do when it strikes you? How do you turn it around? Here are a couple of ideas:

1. Identify the cause. Did you fight with your spouse or kids before work? Did you get a speeding ticket on your way in? Are you dreading your workload? Do you drop the ball on something? Sometimes we're ticked off and we forgot the reason why. Identifying the cause can help you separate the negativity of the past from what's happening in the present.

2. Take ownership. Notice the common word in the first few sentences in #1 above. It's YOU. That doesn't mean that you're the cause, but whatever is causing you to be negative needs you in the equation to be effective. That also means you're at least part of the solution.

3. Ask yourself the QBQ - the Question Behind the Question. In John G. Miller's classic book, QBQ, he encourages us to ask empowering questions instead of blaming questions. For instance, instead of asking "Why do my kids always make me late to work?" we can ask "What can I do to make sure my kids are ready for school earlier?" The QBQ is always about what I can do. Personal accountability -- if there was such a thing as a magic bullet to eliminate negativity, this would be it. Heck, it would solve almost every problem in life.

4. "Break" it off. Take a break, even if you just arrived at work. Walk around the block. Do some breathing exercises. Close the door and meditate. Read something inspirational or funny. Create space between the cause of the negativity and the rest of your day. Do something to intentionally shift your state, physically and emotionally.

5. Seek out someone positive. The best way to become and stay positive is to hang around with positive people. The last thing you want to do is strike up a conversation with a known negativity-monger in your office. Talking to that person when you're already feeling negative is like snapping off the cap of an oil well in the Gulf of Mexico. It could take months to recover from the damage.


Don't get me wrong, I'm sure your grandma had good intentions (besides just trying to get some peace and quite) when she said the whole "If you can't say something nice" thing. But good intentions don't create better outcomes. Better action creates better outcomes. So, if you start hearing grandma's phrase in your head, try to finish it with something more empowering, like:

"If you can't say something nice, figure out why and do something about it."

P.S. If you struggle with negativity in your workplace and want to learn some powerful strategies to eliminate negativity and charge up the positivity, join me on June 14th in Columbus, OH, for our best-selling workshop, Creating A Positive Charge. >>More details here

Don't Put Off The Stuff That Feeds Your Soul (Video Post)

How often do you tell yourself, "I'm going to do that thing I really want to do."

And then you don't do it.

And then you kick yourself.

And then you say it again. 

And then you still don't do it.

Don't do that anymore. 

Need more encouragement? Watch this.